Bat versus spider. All bets are on. Photo: Internet
The Amazing Spider-Man's just swung into theatres and is already making brisk sales at the box office. However, it won't be long before Batman himself swoops back in to finish what Chris Nolan started.
So, what are we to do? Fashion a fictional battle between the two onscreen iterations of characters that will probably never ever happen (except in our heads).
So, it'll be Christian Bale's Batman versus Andrew Garfield's Spidey. No Tobey Maguire, Michael Keaton or whoever else. Because let's face it, Joel Schumacher's Bat-nipple versions of Batman have no chance of winning anything.
Round 1: Suit’s Up!
The new Spider-Man get-up makes it look like Spider-Man should have been called Spalding Man in tribute to the famous brand of basketballs. It is also incredibly phallic, as the red strip leads directly to his crotch region, like an arrow asking, no begging, you to “check out his package” (very subliminal and effective on the ladies, no doubt). The spandex outfit also happens to have some practical uses, especially for his web-swinging and to accommodate Spidey's sprightly moves.
The Batsuit on the other hand is everything that Spidey's skin tight leotard isn't. The Batsuit is a sweet blend of technology and practicality; built like a tank, it offers protection through its kevlar plating and has projectiles on his trademark scalloped gauntlets. His fancy-schmancy utility belts contains even more goodies, like the trademark “batarangs” and even an air-powered charge firing rifle that allows Bats to fire off explosive charges from a distance. It even has sonar and a really cool superhero-like cape that allows him to glide over distances.
We don't know about you but unless your priority is to show off your tight ass in a spandex suit to attract the ladies, the Batsuit is the clear winner here.
Batman's menacing tumbler
Batman has a sweet ride, plane, nice little motorbike, a super computer, a Lamborghini when he's off duty, batarangs and a gun with a grappling hook even — those are always fun. But wait, those aren't actual powers. Did we mention that he’s filthy rich?
Spider-Man on the other hand, has enhanced strength and agility, the ability to stick and move on any surface and a “Spider-Sense” that allows him to feel any incoming danger. Unless Bruce Wayne takes on a diet of purely bacon and steroids for a year, not even ninja training can stop Spidey from taking him down.
Spidey's homemade web shooters
And of course, most people will bring up Bats’ detective skills (he’s the world’s greatest according to DC Comics) and ability to come up with a plan for anything, but Peter Parker isn't chopped liver in the brains department either. A scientist and inventor extraordinaire, he made the web shooters himself. It's a little unfair... but the benefits of training hard, getting ripped versus getting bitten by a radioactive spider.
At the end of the day, it's a (very rich) dude without powers dressing up as a bat versus a dude with actual powers dressing up as a spider.
Round 3: Blendin’ In
Having loads of moolah really helps if you're a man dressed as a bat
Both men are more than guilty of being weird and basically social outcasts on account of bearing witness to multiple tragedies in their lives. In Batman's case, witnessing your parents getting gunned down led to him seeking vengeance on all criminals on behalf of his parents. He goes to the mountains of Bhutan to hone his skills, something that admittedly is a very ballsy thing to do.
However, he's also insanely rich and able to devote all of his time to an almost psychopathic obsession with crime fighting (which is not very healthy in our books). Also, any socializing he does is almost exclusively to act as a front for his alter ego. What’s worse is that he constantly involves people from his inner circle in his crime fighting exploits (i.e. Alfred, Rachel Dawes, Jim Gordon and Harvey Dent). See where that got them.
Having a walking spider as a nephew or a beau is bad for your health if your name is Ben or Gwen
Spidey's not faring any better either. Abandoned by his parents, his little tantrum would lead him to witness the death of his beloved Uncle Ben. Gaining weird superpowers while he's just a teenager is pretty rough too, and continuing to go to school like any other normal person definitely deserves some major props. He is just as horrible at keeping loved ones out of his crime fighting life — like telling Gwen Stacy his secret identity at the drop of a hat (what gives Spidey?). All things considered though, he still manages to have a pretty active social life and comes off looking less insane than Bruce Wayne so…
Final Round 4: Financial security
Every hero needs a butler
Ignore the fact that Bruce Wayne is a multi-millionaire with Lamborghinis and Ducatis in his freakin' garage. Peter Parker's a high school student, and freelance photographer. Freelance. That term pretty much translates to “unstable income”. Even if Bruce Wayne's day job was selling bubble tea, he's more dependent than Parker.
Tie Breaker Round – Working those charms
He may be poor but Peter Parker's a hit with the ladies
Both Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker are pretty good looking men. One's ripped and pretty intense while the other's skinny and nerdy, in a good way. Wayne looks dapper in suits while off Bat duty whereas Spidey does it free and easy with hoodies and his skateboard.
And while Christopher Nolan's Batman films are emotional in a wide variety of ways, something never exactly felt right about his interpretation of Bruce Wayne's love life.
Bruce Wayne's “romance” with Rachel Dawes felt forced and weak; and honestly, from what we’ve seen, we doubt that Bruce Wayne's interested in women at all (wink, wink). Spidey on the other hand, gets Gwen Stacy and makes out with her at age 16. As they say, the great ones start young.
The winner is none other than our friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man (just by the breath of a spider’s web).
Dexian or just Dex if you have an inability to pronounce Chinese names, is a fervent film lover who's known to read up on the most inane pieces of cinema trivia just so he has something to talk about when he's drunk. When he's not watching something, he can be found reading other useless Wikipedia articles on things like Nebulaphobia.