Rating: 1 out of 5
The Cast: Danielle Panabaker, David Hasselhoff, Matt Bush, David Koechner
The Buzz: The unnecessary sequel to 2010’s surprisingly successful “Piranha 3D” ($83 million at the box-office) seems to attract either a majority of minors bent on outwitting the M18 restriction or the unassuming few walking in the theater by mistake.
The Story: Chet (David Koechner) is the sleezy proprietor of the establishment. Co-owner and stepdaughter, Maddy (Danielle Panabaker), disapproves of what Chet has done to what was a wholesome venture founded by her late mother. Chet manipulates the water company by filling his pools via an underground lake. Which lake? A lake that coincidentally house thousands of hungry human-eating fish.
inSing.com thinks: The film has so far grossed a measly US$182,237 since it opened two weeks ago, and with a production budget of US$20 million, managed to whimper even the most repulsive of moviegoers.
Director John Gulager’s “Piranha 3DD” tries to up its predecessor in the department of gore and softcore but merely threads the currents of mediocrity in all aspects.
The earlier story -- set during the Spring Break party at Lake Victoria -- saw 50,000 young revelers being tormented by a pre-historic school of bloodthirsty piranhas with an appetite for private parts.
So instead of not going in the water, these young things decided to do the complete opposite. Hey! It’s Spring Break anyway, who cares?
In this sub-par franchise installment, instead of Lake Victoria, you’ll get a water theme park called “The Big Wet” staffed by mostly former (but “water-certified”) strippers, and instead of youthful college exuberance, you’ll get an adult pool section filled with naked women.
To cut the trash story short: Chet (David Koechner) is the sleezy proprietor of the establishment. Co-owner and stepdaughter, Maddy (Danielle Panabaker), disapproves of what Chet has done to what was a wholesome venture founded by her late mother. Chet manipulates the water company by filling his pools via an underground lake. Which lake? A lake that coincidentally house thousands of hungry human-eating fish.
But of course, these piranhas have a specific appetite for nude swimmers including the virginal Shelby (30 Rock's Katrina Bowden), who apparently didn't get the memo about skinny-dipping in horror movies.
And to add more weight to the celebrity line-up, David Hasselhoff parodies himself parodying his Baywatch role star (who opens the theme park, signs autographs, and pose for photos), which he plays brilliantly.
The Hoff, even he couldn't save this watery wreck.
Other stars like Christopher Lloyd and Ving Rhames reprise their roles and offer a veteran acting sensibility albeit the madness of CGI piranhas jumping unconvincingly towards you in 3D.
In the 83 minutes of life wasted watching this ho-hum horror-comedy (more of the latter than the former), director John Gulager seems to be surprisingly drowning in an already established template, desperately flapping comic bits and gross-out gags as far as the tepid point. There are b-plots and a muddled love triangle that I have intentionally failed to mention because there’s really no need to.
Though faithful to the tried-and-tested images of D-and-DD cup boobs bouncing about, unsurprising decapitated torsos, and a vague tribute to the king of B-grade films, Roger Corman, “Piranha 3DD” is more “Waterworld” than “Jaws”.
Even The Hoff’s eerily eager willingness to ridicule his own image couldn’t save this film.
Hasslehoff however does play a pivotal role in the film; signifying that it’s all finally over. As the credits roll, he sings the theme song to a pseudo-television show called “The Fish Hunter” – a comforting nod to his acting and international recording (also the film’s) travesty.