Our dearly departed posing for a pic. Photo: Sentosa Spooktacular
Got your Twilight vampire teeth ready?
Freddy Kreuger hat?
Sawn-off zombie arm with the wriggly fake maggots?
How about holding a box of cornflakes in one hand and a knife in the other and call yourself a cereal killer? I got that last horror-costume idea from some movie.
Oh, if you don’t have those things, just put a mop over your head, wear a white table cloth and go as Sadako, Asia’s most pi**ed-off girl ghost. Or stand next to a banana tree, look freaky and say that you’re Pontianak. Oh, what the heck, just ride around in a Brompton bike, dude. People will know from the way you blow money that you’re pretty scary.
Hey, if even Halloween in Singapore doesn’t employ Asian spooks, what hope is there left for us jobless locals, right? Seriously though, why are we so big on Halloween anyway?
Isn’t it just another angmoh import that has absolutely nothing to do with us like the Crusades, the bald eagle, double taxation and the new Army CEO of the SMRT?
Actually, over in the Western hemisphere, Halloween wasn’t even supposed to be the Halloween that we know now. I wiki-ed the history to make myself smarter so I don’t look like a stupid pumpkin head.
The records show that to some folks there, Halloween – originally called “All Hallows’ Evening” – is a holiday marking some kind of harvest festival. To others, it’s something spookier and darker commemorating the festival of the dead. That’s not to be confused, by the way, with the Greek, Spanish and Italian festivals of the dead broke.
To J. K. Rowling, it’s, of course, to rip the name off to write “Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows”. But to us here, it’s primarily another great excuse to dress up, stay happy, get drunk, party and make a move on the cute chick wearing the naughty devil’s horns which keep blinking this imaginary message: “Take me home. Take me home.”
Hey, since when did we Singaporeans not respond favourably to a free offer? By the way, guys, here’s a warning to sicko pervos – it’s Halloween, okay? Not Hello-tween.
Anyway, it’s true about the significance of the occasion.
New Year’s Eve, ZoukOut and Ronald McDonald Clown Day come just too few times and too rarely for us to really get down and change into something wicked.
Don’t believe me? Just ask those fellas caught in that happy hour of underaged hooker sex this year. The johns were cursed to public damnation because they ignored the rules and broke the holy covenant. You just can’t celebrate something too early, guys.
Those horndogs couldn’t tahan waiting for the right time and instead played Trick Or Treat too soon in the season with that little hottie. Timing is everything, bro; like selling a HDB flat too stupidly early before it hits a million bucks.
But now, the Big Day is right on top of us. Like a hunched back on the ‘Hunchback Of Notre Dame’.
And we can chill and relax without worrying about anybody killing the mood suddenly because that notoriously joyless person who canned the fun at the Night Safari last year would presumably be busy celebrating her own happening party of one.
Now, an advice or two about identity theft because by now, I’m sure you’d agree that I’ve proven myself to be quite a Halloween expert.
Dress up to scare as ghosts, vampires, zombies, the Frankenstein monster, Jason from ‘Friday The 13th’, the psycho from ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’, Liang Po Po, up to you.
Frankly, nobody’s going to be really afraid unless you’re going as Donald Duck. Then Disney will sue your a** off until you’re so terrified you’d rather meet a real ghost.
Another costume idea: The Angry Auntie. Photo: Zaki Jufri
But I’m a patriotic Singaporean always promoting our true Singapore spirit.
My top five Halloween costumes to put real terror into our lives are:
- A loan shark shirt splattered with paint
- An angry netizen singlet with obscenities written all over
- One gigantic shirt worn by one fella surrounded by five fellas as if squeezed into a train
- A waiter uniform worn by some dude speaking in a language you don’t understand
- A “I live in Sentosa Cove. Which dump are you in?” T-shirt.
Hey, I did say I was talking about the Singapore spirit. I didn’t say I was talking about ghosts.
Tay Yek Keak is an entertainment writer and humourist.