The cat got on top of the bat.
And all I could think of was: “Man, what an amazing a**.”
Okay, guys, truth is, in ‘The Dark Knight Rises’, Catwoman never got on top of Batman.
Yah, I know it’s a major, major crime.
There’s a kiss but zero animal sex of the 500-wild-boars-in-Upper-Thomson kind because man, that dude’s so armoured up in his Batsuit, he doesn’t take that thing off for anything, not even when a smokin’ hot babe or urgent nature calls, ‘cos that suit’s so sealed up I think it’s got its own urinal, sewer and NEWater system.
Instead, Catwoman (aka Anne Hathaway) – who isn’t called Catwoman since that sounds like a demeaning non-PC stereotype like Pussy Galore in ‘James Bond’, or worse, it conjures up images of a crazy old lady feeding 100 stray cats at a HDB void deck – gets on top of the Bat motorcycle.
Also read: ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ movie review
Hathaway’s Selina Kyle sits on the supercool bike, the Batpod a lot and right there in the cinema, I prayed to Buddha, the Dalai Lama, the Pope and Scientologist high priest Tom Cruise to please, please reincarnate me as that very seat she was sitting on.
Now that's one cat that we will love to pet... purrr
Man, the way Anne’s incredible butt’s squeezed into her skintight catsuit and the way she sat perched almost end-to-end down on the bike like she’s sunbathing her mythical rear end, I nearly squirted out my….
The whole thing looked more perfect-futuristic than ‘Backside To The Future’.
Right now, I’m reaching for my ‘50 Shades Of Grey’ complimentary erotic fan to cool me down and by the way, I meant I squirted out my Coke.
Now, in the movie, Anne is a cat burglar.
She likes to jump out of windows stylishly without a safety net or medical insurance when she steals things from very rich people, like gazillionaire Bruce Wayne/Batman (Christian Bale) who lives in a lonely giant mansion with just him and a very old man – his butler, Alfred (Michael Caine).
You want to know what that’s like? Ask any 18-year-old Playboy bunny who just got engaged to Hugh Hefner.
Alfred is Bruce’s father figure-house duster-chauffeur-Oscar winner-stiff upper lip, and the old dude gets very emo with the younger one because they go back a long way and he thinks Batman should retire and leave it to Superman, Iron Man or Jackie Chan to save the goddam world.
He doesn’t really say that specifically but you could guess that’s more or less what’s on Old Al’s mind since Sentimental Michael keeps sobbing in this flick as if he’s auditioning for ‘The Crying Game Part II’.
Now, this sense of back-to-basics origin is very important in ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ because its very smart director, Christopher Nolan, likes to go back to very early times to consider the meaning of original sin.
That’s why ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ links up with 2005’s first flick, ‘Batman Begins’, in a father-son way.
Alfred fears that Batman’s new enemy Bane, who is built like a jeep with fatty muscle as some sort of deranged philosopher-super bouncer, is too powerful and lethal for Batman.
Even though the Caped Crusader goes back to his old training school in Batman Begins as the Caged Crusader when he gets thrown into a hole-in-the-ground prison full of monk-like inhabitants in … I don’t know … something looking like Osama bin Laden’s holiday hideaway from which there’s virtually no escape. I tell you, it’s the darkest pit of abject despair since the one Katie Holmes climbed out of.
The rejection from 'This Means War' was so humiliating that Tom Hardy had to wear a mask
That Bane dude wears a gas mask on his face and muffles his voice through it as if he’s his own cheap-sale bullhorn, and throughout the film, you don’t really know that this is Tom Hardy, the guy Reese Witherspoon dumped over Captain Kirk (Chris Pine) in the happy spy com, ‘This Means War’.
The war Bane likes to talk about, though, is the economic one where he urges the have-nots to overthrow the haves. He’s kind of like Occupy Wall Street, but with an actual army of angry protestors and better firepower. You know, I more or less agree with his philosophy of power to the common people since the COE went up so high until I can’t afford a car now.
“Victory has defeated you,” the fat man warns Batman, the capitalist. Right on, insane dude.
Dammit, why did the Dark Knight have to rise?
What The Flick is a fortnightly entertainment column by local humourist and entertainment writer Tay Yek Keak