Dudes, this is serious. Very, very serious. Sex-with-underaged-hooker serious.
‘The Amazing Spider-Man’ looks like The Amazingly Skinny Spider-Man. Here’s the deal: when Spidey was Tobey Maguire, he looked rounder and more well-fed. That’s why when he sat as a jockey on the little horse in the horse-racing flick, ‘Seabiscuit’, some years back, you wanted to report him for animal cruelty.
But, the new Spidey, Andrew Garfield, is skinny, man. It’s because in this reboot, the producers wanted to go back to basics and create a Spidey who’s more like the smart-a** thin kid pictured in the original comic-book series. So they went out and got themselves an Englishman.
Also read: ‘The Amazing Spider-Man’ movie review
I personally have no problem with Spidey being a 28-year-old Limey ― Garfield, born in LA, grew up in England – since he really looks like a cheeky teen with goofy, tousled hair. But his last name really cracks me up. I know, I know … you’ve heard it a thousand times, but I’ll say it again: “Don’t you think it’s hilarious that Spider-Man is played by Garfield?”
By the way, in case you don’t know, Mr Garfield also played Eduardo Saverin, the Brazilian super-rich dude who was sc**wed out of Facebook by Mark Zuckerberg in ‘The Social Network’. The real Eduardo now lives in Singapore. So, technically, Garfield has played both Spidey and a Sinkie.
Now, there are two main things to look out for in New Spidey. One, is there a happening upside-down kiss with his chick? Two, does anybody tell him the immortal words ― “With great power, comes great responsibility”? Or at least the more practical hipster-slacker Kick-Ass equivalent ― “With zero power, comes zero responsibility”.
Well, I didn’t see a sizzling UD Wet Kiss although this Spider-Man actually loves hanging upside down in his web strands like a sicko peeper in his jammies more than the previous one. His girlfriend is Gwen Stacy, who is Spidey’s first girlfriend before Mary Jane Watson (the character played in the first series by Kirsten Dunst). Gwen is played by Emma Stone who’s always so sexy with her husky voice in search of a cough drop, which means that when Spidey talks to her, it sounds like he’s just dialled into Phone Sex For Horny Creepy Crawlies. By the way, these two really fell in love during the filming and are now apparently a couple. So girls, you can still find your perfect man in a spider, centipede, or a cockroach.
For acicak this big, what Spidey needs is actually a giant bottle of Baygon or a massive glue-trap
And there’s a third main thing in TASM ― in fact, the most critical one ― the enemy. Who does Spidey fight? A lizard. A lizard??!!! A lousy lizard??? Hey, I fought a lizard too. I sprayed it to reptile hell with Baygon yesterday. Of course, Spidey’s lizard looks more like the ‘Creature From The Black Lagoon’, and in its human form, he’s Rhys Ifans, the goofy, often naked Welsh crazy-eccentric in Julia Roberts’ 1999 rom-com, ‘Notting Hill’, and also Xenophilius Lovegood, daddy of the loopy space-child, Luna Lovegood, in ‘Harry Potter’.
Now, Rhys, in a disheveled state, looks like one of those miserable angmohs whining over spilled beer at Boat Quay. He’s a tragic scientist who’s tormented because he has only one good arm and the other is sort of a stump, which makes him look like Captain Hook without his hook. He turns into the rampaging Lizard when he injects himself with a freaky serum to grow back his missing limb.
I know I shouldn’t laugh because being armless is a very unhappy and limiting situation, especially when you look like you’re nuts enough to play the bongos in the nude like Woody Harrelson. But when I saw Rhys staring down Andrew’s hyperactive Spidey in his boring mad-scientist white overcoat with one arm literally, er, tied behind his back, I really felt inspired to dress him up in some funky super-villain new threads.
What The Flick is the first of a series of regular columns on the movie scene by local humorist and entertainment writer Tay Yek Keak.