We are a very lonely planet. We’re so lonely we invent a lot of ways for otherworldly others to come to our world in all sort of forms and guises – big or small, cute or terrifying, lovable or bloody annoying. Some aliens come to save us, others to befriend us, a few to mate with us (hey, ET will look damn hot to a horny lizard), and most to invade and kick the crap out of us before we regroup, make a stirring speech about Independence Day or sing Majulah Singapura, and then kick the crap out of them.
The latest alien flick in cinemas right now doesn’t even bother to hide its purpose. It’s called World Invasion: Battle Los Angeles, a title so clear and stark you must be I Am Number Four’s No. Zero idiot bro not to know it involves freaks from outer space. This question always asks itself whenever we have unannounced visitors. Why do we keep getting so many strange aliens in movies?
Well, apart from the fact that Justin Bieber’s not always available, aliens are merely an extension of ourselves. We use otherworldly beings to examine our own human being side of things. Can we be kind and friendly to an ugly, stranded ET? Are we as noble as a man flying about in his underwear? Can we go on a Star Trek to find our own humanity? How badly do we want to nail the hot babe from Planet Boobsy? Man, doesn’t it feel damn good to blow the hell out of somebody else’s giant spaceship? Of course, it does …Very, very much. World Invasion, honestly, is just the half of it.
Here are 10 more notable extraterrestrial migrants who have gone the extra distance to get here:
I Am Number One
Actually, this fella should be Number 1,000 due to the number of spare parts he’s carrying. I mean, what kind of place is his home world of Cybertron where the folks look like they’re their own public transportation? Planet Toyota? But since he’s so cool in transforming from truck to awesome robot, he’s the best metallic thing to invade Earth since the iPhone. Man, if only our vacuum cleaners were this happening. Transformers 3: Dark Side of The Moon opens on 30 June.
I Am Number Two
Humongous spaceships which block out the sun
Independence Day (1996)
For sheer size, you can’t beat these invaders as they hover over entire cities. Will Smith and everybody on Earth stare straight up at them with their mouths open like they’re watching a strip show in the sky. When you want to make a grand entrance, dude, follow these alien ships. They block out the sun like Oprah’s a**. That they are taken down by some stupid computer virus is really embarrassing. But we won’t hold it against them.
I Am Number Three
Laser-zapping spaceships which make Tom Cruise run like an idiot
War Of The Worlds (2005)
Tom Cruise gets attacked by giant tripods that look like their own camera stand. Due to their killer heat rays, he runs for the hills carrying his daughter (Dakota Fanning) who screams at least 20 decibels higher than Cruise’s hobbit height. The alien craft have tentacles which weave in and out trying to grab people. Absolute terror because Cruise must have felt like he was still married to Nicole Kidman.
Dude from I Am Number Four
I Am Number Four (now showing)
This alien dude (Alex Pettyfer) from some planet called Lorien is sent to Earth to escape a bunch of tall, freaky killers who look like a NBA team from outer space. Frankly, the high school kid is Glee-lame compared to his relentless pursuers in this Twilight-meets-Heroes flick. But we’re slotting him in at No. 4 because it just fits so well into our numbering system here.
I Am Number Five
Dude who wears his underwear on the outside
Because this guy is a hunk – as played by Christopher Reeve (RIP), Tom Welling and that bland what’s-his-name in the Kevin Spacey version – we tend to forget that Superman is an ET from the planet Krypton. Looks can be deceiving. Look at Wayne Rooney. We were going to put the Man Of Steel right up there at No. 1, but we had to deduct a few points for his ridiculous disguise of putting on just a pair of wimpy spectacles.
I Am Number Six
Green Lantern Corps
Green Lantern (opens 16 June)
Strictly speaking, this fella isn’t an alien. He’s one of us – an air force pilot who gets one of the special power rings handed out by the extraterrestrial Green Lantern Corps to become a guardian of our galaxy. It’s the most powerful ring since Mrs Tiger Woods dumped her hubby and cleaned out a chunk of his fortune. Don’t know about you but we can’t wait to see this movie. Because we’re always excited about a lantern festival.
I Am Number Seven
Many hardcore fans, including little deluded dustbins who think they’re super-awesome Predators, must be cursing us for placing the Greatest Alien Ever so low in the ratings. Okay, we admit it. We goofed up. So don’t kill us with the super claws or the rasta dreadlocks which Predator swings on reggae night. We gotta say this – of all the aliens that we might consider procreating with, it’s this dude right here. Except for the cockroach face, he’s a catch.
I Am Number Eight
Alien critters in the Wild West
Cowboys & Aliens (opens 11 August)
Howdy pard’ner, where’s John Wayne when we need him? We think this is going to be good because just the idea of aliens fighting cowboys sounds totally thrilling. From so different worlds it’d be like Ip Man facing Batman. We don’t know what the space invaders look like but the two gunslingers are Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford. Imagine 007 and 0070 (man, Indiana Jones is one old old-timer) bashing ET. How about this tagline? ET, crawl home.
I Am Number Nine
Funny ET with Seth Rogen’s voice
Paul (opens 12 May)
Speaking of ET, this is the nutty version. Paul is an alien that befriends two nuts – English comic-book nerds (Simon Pegg and Nick Frost) – on a road trip in America. Since ET talks in the voice of The Green Hornet’s Seth Rogen, we’re betting that everything’s going to be pretty noisy, funny and presumably downright crude.
I Am Number Ten
Before you protest that the 10-foot tall blue-skinned Na’vi shouldn’t be placed at No. 10 in view of their eco-friendly appeal, let us first say that we, er, eat a lot of red meat here in the office. But that doesn’t stop us from donating to Save-A-Damn-Tree. Actually, the Na’vi are folks whose home is invaded. So technically, we humans are the aliens in Avatar. We should be ashamed of ourselves. After we clean out their cabbage patch, of course.