Boyfriends everywhere can finally rejoice, because it's all over
It’s over. Oh, thank the gods—it’s all over. With the release of ‘Breaking Dawn 2: Electric Boogaloo’ (or whatever the hell it’s called), ‘Twilight’ shall now only continue to live on in the hearts and white trash tattoos of the series’ fans, and Stephanie Myers’ unjustifiable large bank account.
Also read: Breaking Dawn Part 2 movie review
But the universe abhors a void. Like it or not, The Next Big Thing is inevitably on its way and we’re powerless to stop it. We can only hope that it takes the form of one of the following.
Robert Pattinson’s Thinly Veiled Disdain
If this compilation of interview snippets is any indicator, Robert Pattinson seems to hate ‘Twilight’ even more than most rational human beings. We don’t know whether it’s enough to redeem him for his part in helping the series take a dump in our collective cultural consciousness, but it is rather amusing watching him try to hold back how much he loathes the franchise.
So, here’s the pitch: Make him consume other horrid pop cultural nuggets, then force him to try and hide how much he hates them. Robert, what did you think of Michael Bay’s ‘Transformers’ movies? “Well… they were better than being stabbed in the eye, I suppose.” Robert, your thoughts on Honey Boo Boo? “Watching her is slightly less painful than having fire ants released onto my exposed brain, I think.”
Still scarier than the Cullens
Nosferatu: The High School Years
The vampire-in-high-school shtick worked for Myers. But what if we switched pretty bad boy Edward Cullen with the goblin-looking Count Orlok from FW Murnau’s 1922 silent horror film ‘Nosferatu’ instead? Hilarity ensues!
Can Orlok deal with the pressures of teenage life while stopping himself from sucking the blood of Tommy Hutter, the mean captain of the football team? Or will he ever win the heart of Tommy’s beau and head cheerleader Ellen without resorting to hypnotism?
Oh, sure. You laugh at the absurdity of it all. But someone actually thought it’d be a good idea to resurrect ‘90210’, so stranger things have happened.
Cthulhu and Friends!
Maybe the tweeny girls and middle-aged housewives markets are a little oversaturated right now. Time to look elsewhere then. Hey, ‘My Little Pony’ is making a comeback, right…?
“Thaaaaaaat’s right, kids! It’s the undersea adventures of Cthulhu, HP Lovecraft’s loveable cosmic entity that lives in his sunken city of R’lyeh! Join him as he teaches you about sharing, caring and how he shall one day rise up from the depths to bring the earth under his sway, for truly that is not dead which can eternal lie—yet with stranger eons, even death may die.”
The tykes’ll love it, we’re sure.
Witches could well be the new vampires in 2013
Hex and the City
If you thought living in the Big Apple was tough, try being an independent gal in Salem during the late 1600s.
Vamps and werewolves are so over and witches are the way to go. So, what could be better than combining the sass of ‘Sex and the City’ with some bubble, bubble, toil and trouble? It’s a match made in the darkest recesses of Hades!
And the one-liners! Just think about it. “Oh, Samantha. If you think hot flashes are bad, sweetheart, just you wait till you get burned at the stake!” It practically writes itself, this one.
Also read: 5 reasons to watch Breaking Dawn Part 2
Oh, Here’s a Good One…
How about we show some respect to a sub-genre of horror that’s had a rich history ranging from classics like Bram Stoker’s original and powerful novel all the way to the gloriously brutal ‘30 Days of Night’ comics?
How about we treat the creatures of the night, a phenomenon that’s a part of many cultures’ folklore from all over the world, with the integrity it deserves—whether that integrity is laced with a fiercely satirical, ominously sinister or flat-out gory vibe?
Or how about we start revering and digesting books and movies that respect our intelligence, instead of mindlessly latching on to the next pop cultural event, no matter how rubbish it may be?
Actually, you know what? Forget all of that. We still think there’s something to ‘Nosferatu: The High School Years’. Someone get the producers of ‘Teen Wolf’ on the line…
Wayne Rée is a copywriter by day, a (hopefully) soon-to-be self-published author by night, and a complete doofus almost all the time. He was partly responsible for Singapore’s very first tattoo magazine FlashINK, so if you want to blame anyone, he’s as good as any. In the last decade, he’s worked for numerous publications and websites. He’s got an unnatural obsession with comics, science fiction and the music of Nine Inch Nails. And he loves talking about himself in the third-person, the egomaniac.