mrbrown and the vampire movies

By mrbrownMovies - 21 January 2010 6:00 PM | Updated 9:24 AM

mrbrown and the vampire movies

I am a bit of a vampire movie fan. I've partaken of the lot: Blade 1 to 3, Underworld (yes even the disappointing prequel) and recently, even the TwilightSaga.

Twilight: New Moon contained some of the most ‘emo’ vampires I have ever seen. I don't care if I get torn apart by angry teenage girls foaming in the mouth with their love for Edward.

The movie was as insipid as a piece of cold abalone left out in the open for too long. The only reason I did not sleep during the movie was because of the screaming women in my hall who shrieked at every opportunity, even the credits. I am not making this up.

Even the werewolves in that movie were lame. I am not surprised Bella chose to go with Edward instead of Jacob. Brooding and buff, Jacob could only manage to become a giant dog. I know a werewolf when I see one, ok?

That's no Werewolf. That's a Very Big Dog.

"Hey Bella, date me. My powers include motorcycle maintenance, more abs than a D24 durian, and the ability to become this really big mutt."

I waited for the action, I did. I saw the trailer for New Moon and it looked quite promising. Hey, I can deal with some romance if there were enough vampire-werewolf battles.

It was not to be. There was just Bella grabbing her stomach with indigestion and lots of vampire brooding.

So it was with some enthusiasm that I went to catch Daybreakers, starring Ethan Hawke, Sam Neill and Willem Dafoe. Now this looked like a movie that has some bite and is not afraid to get bloody. And from what I saw, the vampires did not glow and twinkle.

It is the year 2019 and most of mankind have become vampires due to some virus (somehow everyone survived 2012). Regular humans are now an endangered species. They are either hiding or farmed for their blood. Moo.

Sam Neill plays the CEO of a corporation that feeds off the world vampire food demand. Ethan Hawke plays Edward (is this some kind of uber popular name vampire parents like to give their kids?), a researcher working for Neill, trying to invent a blood substitute so that the last few humans on earth won't need to become vampire food.

A bunch of humans show him they have a cure for the vampirism and he gives up his blood substitute research to join them and try to cure the planet of this annoying condition that gives everyone bad skin and immortality.

I thought it was an awesome concept but it turned out to be a messy B-movie. I like gore and violence as much as the next guy but movie seemed to be trying to one-up itself with every scene of torn limbs and severed heads.

Then just when the plot got interesting towards the end, and you think you know how it can resolve itself cleverly, it decides to end with what looked like a poor set-up for a sequel.

What a perfect waste of a great idea and a bunch of good actors.

And what is up with the product placement in movies these days? Edward/Ethan drives a Chrysler that has been outfitted for vampire drivers (darkened glass, multi-camera kit, drive-by-video) to drive during the day. We were not allowed to forget that our hero drives this make.

Oh, and somehow, in this future, the big American car company has survived the bloodbath that is the car business.

My wife asked after the movie, why didn't the vampires just make sure there were enough humans farmed for blood instead of just letting them get extinct from consumption? Or maybe work on cloning some more human cattle?

I am not sure, I said. Maybe all the vampire researchers were busy trying to invent Blood Lite because it makes more money (how Singaporean in its pragmatism!).

Or they were too preoccupied with trying to make their skin sparkle like Bella's Edward. That would be a great way to draw in the screaming human fan-girls for a late night snack.

Burp.

About mrbrown
mrbrown aka Mr Kin Mun LEE is the accidental author of the popular Singapore website, mrbrown.com, and has been documenting the dysfunctional side of Singapore life since 1997.

Affectionately known as the Blogfather of Singapore, his readers follow his writings closely, which these days range from current affairs, his family, and even his trips abroad.

Currently, mrbrown also hosts the mrbrown show (mrbrownshow.com), probably Singapore's best known comedy and satire podcast.

mrbrown is married to Ginny, his long-suffering wife for 12 years, and is father to three lovely kids, Faith,  Isaac and Joy.