For what felt like an eternity, you waited with bated breath for your favourite band only to suffocate in the smog of inconsiderate punters. You poor soul. Now your life is meaningless and all you can think about is a tub of Ben & Jerry’s and ‘Dirty Dancing’ on repeat. We’ve been there, done that and ripped our merch apart in disappointment. Here, meet all 15 of the most annoying concertgoers. Print this out and voodoo dart ‘em.
Like a music expert on a Jason Bourne tip, the anal planner attends a concert with military precision. He knows the set list better than the band. The concert floor plan has been committed to memory. In case of emergency: 25 seconds brisk walk to the southern exit. Depending on the popularity of the song, he’ll position himself accordingly. Hovers near the bar when a known hit is played. Nearer to the exit between the last song and the encore. The only problem? He works best alone. If you’re with this guy, expect to crouch and sprint towards a general direction at some point. He won’t entertain any questions. So don’t ask. You might also end up in cold grey Moscow.
“Like, O.M.G! This song is #totes about me!” That and every single note played. The guitarist half-stepping to the side can even be misconstrued as a tribute to these delirious fans. For some reason their arms are always flailing in the air even during the breaks; even when queuing for booze. They bring along tons of memorabilia for that life-altering, stalker-fulfilling autograph. They also bring placards scribbled with well-meaning messages that the band members will never read. Because, you know, the band is busy playing music and stuff. They scream so much you wonder when their lungs might cave in and, of course, the kind of medical attention needed when it happens. Are you trained in resuscitation? If not, move along.
If the band in question has an autobiography published, this guy is seemingly reading it out loud. Nothing is going to stop this historian from imparting his well-researched knowledge: “Did you know that in 1977 …” No, don’t; “What about 1965?” Stop it.
Sure, you want to gloat to your friends on Facebook that you attended a damn cool concert. Take a photo. Hell, take 10. But 156? Come on now. I am literally watching the concert through your iPad because it’s in my face all the time. Aren’t you tired? Don’t you need a break? Oh look, the band’s taking a break. Why is your iPad still up? What are you doing? You don’t even look like you’re enjoying the concert. Why don’t you sit in the corner and play Candy Crush?
Social media reporter
“10pm: Bon Iver is stroking his chin.” Tweeted. “10.15pm: Bon Iver strums his guitar for fun. Sounds like a new song!” Tweeted. “10.16pm: This is exciting!” Tweeted with a picture. “10.17pm: It’s not a new song.” Tweeted. “10.17pm: Hahaha. :p” Tweeted. 10.18pm: Unfollow.
Technology has come a long way. A very long way. But when you watch a grainy and barely audible video recording, you start to wonder if it was taken with a Nokia 3310 and why such a crappy thing was posted in the first place. Recording a whole damn concert is unnecessary. Recording the whole damn concert when you are seated in the last row and dancing out of your mind is … I’d like to introduce you to the pseudo photographer in the corner all up on his Candy Crush.
The “other” band member
Though he doesn’t have a physical instrument, he’s rocking his heart out nevertheless. Every other chord he plays with the same level on intensity as the band. That’s the lead guitar, bass and drums at the same time. Quite a sight. Especially when he’s holding a cup of beer.
This, depending on your parents, can go either way. At one end of the spectrum is the quasi-bodyguard parent; which can be troublesome if you’re in the middle of a moshpit at a death metal concert. So pick your gigs wisely. Otherwise, mum might get the announcer to ask you to meet at the merch stand in front of thousands of revellers (this happened at SingFest; needless to say, everyone had a good laugh).
Flash mob instigator
I don’t care if it’s a Justin Bieber or Black Sabbath concert. Flash mob yourself right off the edge of a cliff.
Unless you are the band member or the leader of football fan club, you have absolutely no right to tell the crowd to sit down, stand up, sway from side to side or do a handstand. They can do whatever they damn please (with the exception of everyone on this list). And to that guy screaming for an obscure B-side track 20 years ago on the back of a faux general agreement like “everyone wants to hear it!”: everyone thinks that you’re an idiot.
The queue cutter
Look, just like you, we are all dehydrated as hell. It has been 30 minutes and the line hasn’t moved an inch. We are starting to hate going to concerts altogether. This queue is making us jaded of life in general. Not only did you blatantly skip the line, you went straight to the barman. Not cool. You are the worst kind of person anywhere; which leads us to…
Since when did gravity cease to exist and the world revolve around you? Not only are you skipping the queue, you are bulldozing your way through the crowd and hurling injury-probable materials towards them, lifting random people off their feet and starting a moshpit near the bar among other douche-like activities. Everyone paid good money for the show; you don’t have to cheapen it. Wankers.
Drunk/drugged out of their freaking minds
You are making out with a tree! No, there are no spiders on you! Put that baby down! No, you’re not in 1950 Auschwitz! YOLO? Not when you’re burdening everyone else.
You’re kicking back at the VIP tent. Good on you. But that doesn’t mean that the red carpet leads to the front of the stage. The punters there have earned their spots. Needless to say, it reflects on how much they really love their band. Deal with it.
Everyone at a K-pop concert